Friggin' James Woods!
by Hank-o-holic
Summary: When James Woods lands a job at Channel 5, Tom Tucker is suspicious. After everyone wants him out, James does something despicable and ridiculous - leaving Tom & Peter to save the day!


**Hank_o_Holic **Presents:

_A Family Guy Short_

**Friggin' James Woods!**

It was a wonderful day at the Channel 5 studio as Tom Tucker was combing his mustache before going back on air for the afternoon block.

"You gotta look your best buddy!" Tom cooed to his facial hair.

At that point there were four knocks on the door.

"It's open."

It was Sharhooz, the station escort. Tom smiled.

"Oh hello Sharhooz, what can I do you for?"

"Uh... um... you have a visitor sir. You want me to... to... send him in." he responded in a nervous manner.

"Sure! I have time." Tom waved him off as a man in his 60s burst through the door with sophisticated-type hair. Tom freaked.

"... James Woods!"

"Hey Tom! Long time no see! How's life?" James greeted swiftly, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Fine... fine, what are you doing here?"

"Oh just dropping by to say hello to my new co-anchor!"

"What?!"

"Yeah! I landed a job here, figured I could get out of Hollywood for a while and bring some super-stardom to this small town. Gotta make 800 people happy you know."

"This is insanity!" Tom jumped from his chair and pointed menacingly at James. "I'm not sharing my job with you! Not after what you did to my acting career!"

"Tommy, relax dude. That's in the past! We're all mammals! I promise I won't put a damper on your spotlight... just give me a chance huh?"

"Ugh... fine... but I'm serious, don't screw with my job! Joyce and I do a lot for this station and I won't have you messing with things."

"No problem!"

...

"Good afternoon Quahog! This is Tom Tucker."

"And I'm Joyce Kinney!"

"And I'mmmmm James Woods!" said James as he burst in between the two. "What's up people?! Boy do we have a awesome program for yah!"

"Yes James... first manner of business I'd like to welcome our new co-anchor, actor and native Quahogian James Woods."

"Yep! Looks like we're gonna be having a three-some! Get used to it toots!" James joked to Joyce, who looked sheepishly at the camera before backing her chair away a few inches.

Tom simply rubbed his eyes in frustration and continued speaking.

"Our top story today, there was a major robbery that occurred at Mort Goldman's Pharmacy. We now go live to Tricia Takanawa for an interview with the owner."

The TV cut to Tricia standing with a bruised Mort, who was trembling a little.

"Thanks Tom, I'm here with Mort Goldman. Sir... what exactly happened here?"

"Well Tricia I was just cleaning the windows when these two gentlemen showed up and put a gun to my face! I was so terrified at-"

"Hey Asian lady!" James Woods interrupted from the station, "do an impression of Shizuka Arakawa!"

"The hell kind of request is that?! I don't skate." Tricia broke back into her usually voice.

"Come on! It'll be funny! Besides, you're both Japanese!"

"Uh... James, maybe we should get back to the story." Tom intervened, not happy.

"Oh right right... please continue!" James laughed, leaning back.

"Anyway... Mort, your story?" Tricia continued only to be cut off again.

"Wait! I have a better idea! Be Sailor Saturn!"

"Okay, now you're just being stupid." Tricia frowned.

"What?! You have the hair."

"Actually he's got a point there." Mort added.

Tricia bowed her head in frustration.

...

It was time for the weather.

"And we now go live to Ollie Williams for the Blaccu-Weather Report, how's everything looking Ollie?!" Joyce asked.

"IS RAININ LIKE CRAZY!"

At this point, James burst into Ollie's shot.

"You know buddy, I've been thinking. You know what all this rain needs? Fire! Because there's a side to things that I never knew. And a game that I would never win... _BUT I SET FIRE TO THE RAIN!_" James comically sang, "_WATCHED IT POUR AS I TOUCHED YOUR FACE!_"

Nikki walked in. "Adele!"

Tom: yes Nikki... Adele.

...

Joyce was now giving a story.

"And it looks like Australia finally won their first athletic metal in the Olympics."

James once again cut in, "you know Joyce... there should be a video-game category for the Olympics."

"Really?"

"Yep! I love video-games. How about you?"

"I like Minecraft."

"Ah! What a fun game! Except that is isn't a real video-game."

"What do you mean? Of course it is." Joyce cocked her head and glared a little.

"No... it's an independent sand-box software. Video games have a lot of shooting and adventure."

"Minecraft can be an adventure."

"Eh... if you like building stupid little houses and harvesting ducks."

"They're chickens."

"Nah... they're ducks."

"Chickens! It says so on the website!"

"Nope."

"Dude, they cluck! And they have waddles... chickens!"

"Ducks!"

"CHICKENS"

"DUCKS"

Joyce threw up her papers. "GOD DAMN IT! They're chickens! CHICKENS!"

"Whatever... you ever played Kingdom Hearts?"

...

Before Tom entered for work, everyone met in regards of James Woods.

"Okay... so I'm pretty sure it's clear that we need to get that asshole out of here!" Tricia said.

"Yeah! Did you know he actually thought I was Cuban?" Maria complained, crossing her arms.

"And he thought I had cancer... I know I smoke a lot but come on!" Mike added, smoking.

"We need to convince Ben to cancel James' contract. He clearly doesn't understand how the news works... this isn't one of his little animated features where he can go crazy." Joyce explained.

James snuck up on them. "Is that so?"

Everyone turned abruptly as they locked eyes on him.

"Uh... James! Nice surprise to see you here..." Ken fake-smiled.

"Don't play dumb with me you fuckers!" James yelled.

"We're not playing. We're serious. We want you out!" Tricia exclaimed.

"Well too bad! I'm running the show here... and I think it's time for you all to be... domesticated."

...

Tom entered the doors of the station only to discover that the lights had all been turned out.

"Hello? Was there a power-outage?" Tom flicked on the main light and stumbled across a small box.

"What's this?" Tom questioned as he flipped up the lid to find eight ferrets. Something was off about them.

"Aww... but wait... we didn't order any ferrets." Tom found a note taped to the side and opened it.

_Dear Tom Tucker,_

_ You'll be happy to know that I have left the station for today. It seems that your fellow co-workers didn't really approve of my presence here. It's sad really, because I thought I was doing a pretty good job. So just to prove to them that I mean business, Joyce, Tricia, Ollie, Maria, Mike, Ken, Nikki, and Sharhooz are now ferrets... enjoy._

_ Sincerely,_

_ James Woods_

"Oh crap." Tom said, dropping the note.

Ben walked up, "oh finally glad to see you! Do you know anything about this?"

"Yeah! It was James Woods!"

"The man I hired yesterday?"

"Yes! The hell's gotten in to you? Don't you know that James is a monster in disguise?!"

"Hey! Don't get all pissy with me! How was I supposed to know that when I hired him?"

"Sir, he's turned my dear friends into ferrets!"

"Ferrets? I thought they were polecats."

"That's the same thing."

"Oh."

"We have to do something!"

"Well what are you looking at me for? I didn't know magic existed."

"Me neither. Now ghosts... that's another thing."

"What are you talking about?"

"Uh... nothing!"

"Good... just get my workers back to normal! I don't want to cancel the show today!"

"Oh believe me... that's the last thing I want to do."

Ben walked off as Tom picked up one of the ferrets that was certainly Joyce.

"Don't worry Joyce... I'm going to get you back to normal." Tom whispered, petting her fur.

At that moment, she peed on his suit.

"Damn... that's my favorite suit!" Tom yelled, only causing Joyce to bit his nose.

"Ow OW! Okay! Sorry."

Tom placed Joyce back in the box. "Alright... now how am I going to deal with you all?"

Tricia & Maria began performing a war-dance, wanting to play.

"No no... I can't play right now. I need to get you to my car."

Sharhooz started wailing. And Nikki started peeing everywhere.

"Ugh... yeah I'm definitely a cat person."

...

Tom frantically knocked on the front door of the Griffin household when Peter answered.

"Oh hi Tom! I was just about to watch the game!"

"Peter I need your help!"

"What's wrong? Not another hooker is it?"

"No no no! I've settled down on them... it's about James Woods!"

"WHAT?! Where is that son of a bitch?!"

"That's the problem. He's run off! James could be anywhere!"

"Well don't worry Tom, we're gonna get him!"

"Uh Peter... there's one other issue I need to mention. I don't know how to say this without sounding dumb."

"Oh come on, I'm cool. What is it?"

"James Woods turned my co-workers into ferrets."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well isn't that something. What's next? Straight lesbians?"

"PETER!"

"Sorry sorry, I believe you. Let's go find James Woods!"

...

Tom & Peter were driving down the streets discussing what to do. Peter was in the passenger side petting Ollie.

"So... how do you think we'll be able to track him down? It's not like he's chipped." Peter asked.

"I have one idea... being a celebrity, there is only one person we can ask."

"Sean Young?"

"No... a member of the paparazzi."

"Oh yeah! That's perfect! They can find anybody... too bad they couldn't find Osama bin Laden. That would have been fucking awesome."

"Yes... yes it would."

...

Tom, Peter, and the paparazzi member (who was Bruce), managed to sneak behind a bush in the park and saw James Woods fishing in the lake.

"Is that him?" Peter asked.

"Oh it's him alright. Good ol' James Woods. Looks like he's doing some fishing. That's nice. Probably using a strong pole, throwing it out in the water hoping something takes a bite. Then he can gut it, cook it, and have a good lunch. Have a side of lemonade with that... taste real good." Bruce went on.

Peter and Tom burst through the bushed and confronted James, who turned quickly and dropped his pole.

"Well well well... congratulations Tom, you found me. And you brought that fat moron." James sneered.

"Hey! That's not very polite! Bruce is a fit man... oh you're talking about me aren't you?" Peter stopped.

"What was your first clue?"

"Okay enough of this!" Tom stood between the two, "how the hell did you pull off changing my friends into ferrets?"

"Oh I just barrowed a potion from Tate Donovan... he's real good with that kind of stuff."

"Damn you Hollywood actors and your unknown magical talents!" Peter exclaimed.

"I want my friends back to normal!" Tom yelled, balling his fists.

"Too bad! It's what they get for hating me! I mean really... who can seriously hate me?" James asked.

"We can." Tom spoke.

"Ouch." Bruce commented.

"Okay, that's it! I'm going to take you out!" James pulled out a pistol.

"Oh yeah? Well think fast!" Peter pulled out the box and released the ferrets, which proceeded to attack James Woods violently. Crawling everywhere and biting everything.

"AUGH! GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFF!" James fell and rolled around in the grass, dropping his gun long enough for Tom to grab the potion off his coat and call the ferrets off. Peter quickly dropped a big crate on top of James.

"Damn it! Let me out! I'm going to kill you all!" James yelled.

"Got it!" Tom opened the lid and poured the liquid on top of the animals, causing them to change back into his friends.

"Guys! You're back... and naked." Tom looked away as everyone screamed and covered themselves.

Bruce: Oh hay! We're having one of _those_ kind of parties?

...

Back at the station, Tom relived his encounter with his friends.

"So that's how it happened? Wow... that's kinda hilarious." Maria giggled.

"Yep... and I'm pretty sure we won't hear from James for a while now." Tom placed his hands behind his head.

"So... what happened to him anyway?" Joyce asked.

"Oh he's being studied by top men."

"Who?"

"Top... men."

Far away, a man was pushing James Woods' crate through an entire warehouse.

"Is it just me? Or has this sketch gotten old?" James asked.

"Eh... it was either this or kill you off... but the author wasn't cool with that option. He likes your character too much." said the man.

"What?"

"Shut up and sleep!"

**The End**

_Ah... what fun! I've never written about James Woods before, and after feeling inspired by a couple of episodes I felt I needed to write a short story, while working on __Othello__._

_Wondering how many will get the Tate Donovan joke,_

_**Hank_o_Holic**_


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